is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
