Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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