Swine flu. Run for my life!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
