my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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