you would pick up someone in the library
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
