gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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