Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
