Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is Oprah even human
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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