I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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