I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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