she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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