Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
