no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
