he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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