i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
