I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
