Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
