I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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