the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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