I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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