woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
