I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
