if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my sisters under your porch take her home
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize