why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
