i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
