No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
