im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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