tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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