Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
