I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
