She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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