the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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