how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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