I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
