Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
