I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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