Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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