The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
