I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
