So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize