Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
