I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
