I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Shame is for Republicans.
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