this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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