call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
areolas are like halos for boobs.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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