Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
