38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
