Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
