i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
