I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
