you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
