Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
