My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
