Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
