hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
