The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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