i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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