she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
