u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
